Dreams and Delusions

I have started revisions on Moonfire. 


Actually I started several weeks ago. I wanted to be done with the darn thing by now. The process is daunting.  I feel like I'm stumbling through a hurricane of random words grasping at them and crossing them out with no clue what works and what doesn't. 


I've doubted my talent-- will anyone even read this? Am I any good at all? What if I can't make it as an author? Will  I be working in a hardware store for the rest of my life? It's very scary. I see my mom worrying constantly about money. It's like a weight the size of an SUV bearing down on her. Will it be the same for me? 


I see grown men and women flipping burgers or scrubbing tables, talking about the jobs they loathe, bosses they hate, bills they can barely pay.  I can't help but wonder... did they want this? When they were little and their elementary school teachers asked them what they wanted to be was it all a cruel joke? Did that guy who made my sandwich at Subway want to be an astronaut? Or that woman who ran the check out at Walmart want to be a singer? 


To me, further down the road, if I'm not living anything but my dreams, I'm living in a trap. I work in a hardware store for my uncle,  he's a good boss, and I don't hate my co-workers, but there's still a restlessness there. I like my job-- most of the time :)-- but I like writing better. Sometimes it's a tug-o-war between the two and it leaves me at a loss. Will I lose sight of my dreams and be stocking the dollar aisle for the rest of my life? I hope not.


But as I'm revising Moonfire and my sentences don't sound like the other authors I read, I question myself. Am I really good? Do I have a future at all in the publishing world? The harder things get the more  I wonder if I've only tricked myself into believing I stand a chance. Is this a legitimate dream, worth pursuing, or a delusion that will pass with time? We'll see.


On a side note: I turned 18!